Friday morning saw Jim and I sitting quietly in the waiting room of the Outpatient Clinic of the Gartnavel Renal Unit. The only others there were another couple, perhaps a similar age to us, but a mirror image, in the pale, anxious, tortured faces. They too sat silently holding hands,
Mr. Aitchison had clearly put aside time to see those for whom there were difficult decisions to be made away from the time pressures of the routine clinics. This is a hallmark of the man's compassion.
It seemed an eternity but it could only have been a few minutes until he came out and shephered us into his office. We sat down and he described the results of the scans, showing us the slides that revealed the full extent of the cancer. He explained the operation that he proposed describing exactly the risks but reassuring us that if he did not think I had a good chance of surviving, he would not be operating.
We had been so afraid that the answer would be that I was inoperable and we had left my poor mother at home in tears, dreading hearing those awful words and seeing her daughter die before her. She had tried to hid the fear but it was too overwhelming. I just wanted to know one way or another. I was just so weary of it all but I still wanted to fight if there was the slightest chance, I think we had to ask him if he would definitely be going ahead with the operation and he smiled as he confirmed that was exactly what he and his team had decided. He had discussed my condition at the Multi Disciplinary Team meeting which included a heart surgeon, vascular surgeon and an anaesthetist who was very experienced in by pass which I would have to be on for a long period as the tumour was reeled out of my heart.
We floated out of that room on a cloud of relief, not in the least troubled by the dangers of the operation, just rapturous that something might be done, I had a chance.
My mother burst into tears when we told her. I think of the three of us she was the most deeply fearful, Our son confessed that he had also been afraid that the operation would not be possible but he knew I would get through because I was both tough and determined. I know only too well that no matter how tough and determined you are, there are some conditions that you simply cannot apply them to. They will not stop your dying but those characteristics will help you to live until that last breath without wasting what time you do have,
Within a week I had a date and a venue, the beautiful, state of the art Golden Jubilee Hospital, chosen because it was the only place that had the surgical and post operative facilities I would need. I would have my pre-op tests a week before the operation and would be admitted the afternoon before.
I passed the pre-op with flying colours much to my surprise. However, it would appear that my heart was in very good condition, such good condition that several cardiac nurses commented on how surprising and strange for them to see someone whose heart was healthy. I left feeling very positive.
I did a lot of thinking in that week, a great deal of bringing Jim and Jan up to speed, organising access to my bank account, ensuring they knew where to find important documents and other tasks which had always been in my hands. We already had our wills made and they required no review. We had also knew what the other wanted in terms of treatment if we were unable to speak for ourselves and each held the other's legal power of attorney, both medical and financial.
We spent even more time together, the three of us and when Jan was at university we spent time with the wider family, My brother who lived in the Netherlands flew in to spend some time with me as did my older brother and his wife who came in from Portugal. We spoke of how much we loved one another as I did with all my family. It was very moving and the outpouring of the most wonderful support from people all around the world was uplifting and helped me immensely. Each visit left me with the thought that this might be the last time, It saddened me but I had moved into acceptance and just wanted to welcome their love and give them mine. I had done my best in life, made my mistakes, had my regrets, but I had done some good and that was all anyone could ask for, Whatever the outcome, I was prepared.
I did give some serious thought to my conceptions about an afterlife. When you are confronted with imminent death there is a need to think it through. I concluded that there might be something beyond this life but if there was it would be a pleasant surprise but if there was not, then I would not be aware of anything so it really did not matter. I firmly believe that we should live our lives with the intent to be loving and compassionate to all because it is what is right and not a bargaining for a place in Heaven. I hold that man does not require a religion to live a good life but if that helps them then it is generally a good thing. However, when the dictates of religion lead to the surrender of the individual sense of love and compassion as it often has and still does, then I reject it as a work more worthy of the devil than of a loving god.
So did I pray? Oh, yes, I prayed. I prayed to power within and beyond, the energy that links every being to one another. I did not bargain for my life, just pleaded for the opportunity for more time with my loved ones, time to see my parents through to the end of their lives, time to see my son graduate in a little over two years time. I so wanted that time to help him, to support him, to teach him a little more about the world and how to respond to the challenges and pain it often bring as well as celebrate the happy times of fulfillment. I told Jim that I wanted him to find another partner in time and that if he got stuck in a morass of grief for too long, I would be back to haunt him. I wanted him to know the comfort of loving oompanionship. It was not easy for him but he listened and it made me feel as though I had done what I could.
A few days before the operation, Jim and I had a whole day together at the seaside in Ayrshire. We walked along the front at Ayr on a cold but sunny day. The air was so restoring and refreshing. I walked further than I had been able to do for a long time and we felt so calm and at peace. When I got back to the car, I was bleeding heavily, the price of pushing my frail body way too far, but I was happy, exhausted but happy.
I was ready. Golden Jubilee here I come.
Day 11 of the Poem a Day for October from three days behind
Poetry Prompts - Courageously Speaking for Children
“Take the blinders from your vision
take the padding from your ears
and confess you've heard me crying
and admit you've seen my tears.”
Terrorized children do not shed tears
They have gone so far beyond
That simple expression of emotion
Into a place of profound emptiness
Where trust is buried deep within.
You will not hear them crying
They are afraid that you will hear
That you will ask the right questions
But will not accept their wrong answers
The story that you do not want to hear.
Your daddy, uncle, did what to you?
How could you tell such terrible lies?
Where did you hear those awful words,
Why are you such a curse in our home
Acting out, a problem child ,now this filth?
No, you will not tell, you will not speak,
You are so wicked, no one will listen,
And if you do tell what will they think
It is all your fault, you asked for it.
Dirty, filthy, little whore, all your fault,
So afraid not to be loved, to be rejected
By those who should love you most,
Your abuser has stolen your childhood
Become the haunting voice in your head.
Brainwashed into silence and submission.
Open your eyes and ask your questions
But ask them of yourself and others.
Why is your child showing such changes?
Why the absence of happy laughter?
Why the bad reports from school.?
Open your ears and listen to the silence
Open your heart and your love will find
The way to the truth, the story waiting
To burst the walls of grief wide open
To once again be safe and unafraid.
Maya Angelou had the right of it
But you must see and hear
Beyond the silence.
“Take the blinders from your vision
take the padding from your ears
and confess you've heard me crying
and admit you've seen my tears.”
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