Day 2 - Let battle commence

Poetry Prompt: a 31 day poem writing challenge. This has given me the impetus to write the story of my dance with renal cell carcinoma. It contains snapshots of life lived on death row which I hope will give insight into how the dying cope with daily chemotherapy and the knowledge that death is on its way. This follows the poem and reading one or both is optional. 

I welcome questions and comments although they will be removed if they demonstrate an unkind disposition. 

The writing prompt for today is an odd one but I will see what I can do with it,

"we will be inspired by the number and word, “two” or for those contrarians who have an issue about writing numerals, you may run with the adverb I used above in “There’s poetry,too….” or even the preposition, “to” as in “We went to the animal fair… the birds and the bees were there….” Julie Jordan Scott

Too much of a good thing

A jealous Fate watched

Sour with malign intent

"Let's rock her cosy world"

To stand on solid ground

Anchored in love and peace,

Fulfilled beyond all measure.

"Trip her up for our pleasure!"

Two great loves in her life

A passionate contentment

Too much for Fate to take,

"Now to grind her bones"

"Too much smug smiling,

Let pain become her ruler,

Build it slow and then let hell

Take her piece by piece."

"To think she is  so strong

That she can overcome.

Is simply absurd nonsense

And I shall come out winner."

Two great loves in my life

My husband and my son

I will fight for my life,

I will not leave them willing.

Let battle commence. 

So I should begin at the beginning which as the song says "is a very good place to start" or given the nature of my story, it was actually a pretty hellish place to start.

 I was 55 and after 25 years in retail management, primarily in innovative training and development. I had found my most fulfilling role as a psychotherapist in private practice. I adored my work and it gave me everything I needed from life, the use of my life experience, my gifts, my desire to help heal the wounded mind. I was in my element. I had the great joy to be in a very happy long lasting marriage with a good man who brought the gift of enduring friendship as I turned 35. We married a year later and at the age of 38 just as we had accepted that there would be no longed for child, our beloved son arrived. Who could ask for more in life?

In 2007 I seemed to be afflicted with one virus after another and when they arrived, they really wanted to stay long term. It was nothing serious but very uncomfortable and tiring. I just could not shake off the coughs, the colds, the flu like symptoms. I thought that it was all part of a late menopause as I was still bleeding a little intermittently. I had never had any major changes in the menopause, none of the dreadful hot flushes that so many suffer from, just a gentle shift which seemed to take a long time. Late menopause was common enough among my aunts so I thought nothing of it. 

The turn of the year came and I had developed a breath stealing cough which was beginning to disrupt my work. I used guided imagery and hypnosis so a hacking cough and a deepening voice was not conducive to relaxation, Friends and clients were beginning to notice that I always seemed to be unwell and a few of them mentioned their concerns about it. I am so grateful to them for this as it helped to raise my awareness of just how bad it was becoming. I have never been one to panic about health issues so I had dismissed what was happening as a temporary blip in otherwise good health.

I was beginning to observe a new pattern of increased bleeding and abdominal pain. I have always been conscientious about regular smear tests and took myself off for an earlier one than scheduled. The results were negative. I discussed my symptoms with my GP who took some bloods to check for ovarian cancer which to my great relief also came back negative. I was referred for an ultra sound scan of my womb which was also negative. I sighed with relief and simply accepted that I was going to be fine.

I was not fine, far from it. I continued to feel very weak and constantly unwell. However, my father was suffering from vascular dementia and my mother was unwell, so my attention was on their support and no longer on myself. Looking back I could see that I was dragging myself around, constantly tired and feeling like an alien in my own body. 

In June of 2008 I was staying overnight at their home to look after my mother and father as she had just come out of hospital and could not manage his various nocturnal adventures. As I lay in bed, I experienced the most intense pain of my life, as though my body was trying to split in half. I was soaked with sweat as was all my bedding, something I had never experienced before. I breathed through it as though I was giving birth and hideously slowly it receded. Then I noticed that I was bleeding very heavily. The game had changed and I knew that I was in deep trouble.The cancer word had been floating around in my head unacknowledged and now it was solidly grounded, a very real and concrete knowing. 

To be continued tomorrow when there will be another exciting chapter in cancer land. 

A word of advice.

Never ignore a persistent health problem. Always seek medical help and if it persists after initial investigation, keep on knocking at the door of your health provider until you get an answer. Your life is in your hands, not theirs.