Poetry Prompt: a 31 day poem writing challenge. This has given me the impetus to write the story of my dance with renal cell carcinoma. It contains snapshots of life lived on death row which I hope will give insight into how the dying cope with daily chemotherapy and the knowledge that death is on its way. This follows the poem and reading one or both is optional.
I welcome questions and comments although they will be removed if they demonstrate an unkind disposition.
Poetry Prompt for the 31 day challenge.
When was the last time you took a risk for something you believed in? How do you use your words? What are you creating in the world with your poetry?
Word Prompts:
Risk
Revolutionary
Reawaken
Reclaiming
Feeling Words:
Courageous
Energetic
Liberated
Spirited
Courage
You call me courageous
A warrior woman battling
This enemy called cancer.
I call it risk management
Managing the risk to my mind
When I cannot manage my body.
We talk of fighting the enemy
But this is part of my whole,
Not an external foe .
My own cells gone rogue
Waging their own revolution.
Declaring their liberation.
You call me courageous
Yet what is the alternative?
Do I raise the white flag.
Allow the cancer to take me?
Do I sob and cry and moan
Shrouded in dark depression?
Or do I rise from the ashes.
My spirit reclaiming life,
Phoenix soaring high
Until that last sighing breath
Carries me into the earth,
Liberating me from pain.?
I chose the energy of love
Love of life and life of love
Holding my arms out and around
My fellow travelers on the road
Giving whatever strength I have
Through the power of my words.
A daily snapshot of life with cancer
This is now day 4 and as I continue the story of my past journey, I will attempt to give you some insight into what is happening today. I am on chemotherapy oral medication with some interesting side effects. I woke with stomach cramps around 2am which was the signal for a rapid trip to the toilet. followed by two more within the hour. Yet more medication kept that under control for the rest of today. I was tired and yawned through the day but rallied in the afternoon to enjoy the stimulation of a filmed interview with a man who is making a short film about my father who died almost two years ago. He was a remarkable man and I will tell his story in the future because his example helped me through the most challenging period of my life and helps me now. After the interviewer left, I transformed into Alice in Wonderland's sleepy dormouse. Then came the near daily wave of nausea with the reaching out for the sick bag which I managed to do without as it slowly subsided. Later in the evening the waves started again and I took one of my anti-nausea pills. I shall hope for a quiet night and a deep uninterrupted sleep.
Continuation of my story - Let the Games Commence
Next morning saw me arriving at our surgery for an emergency appointment with our one female GP who listened to my tale of pain, blood and night sweats. Once again I had blood taken and an ovarian cancer test together with full bloods was ordered. She also ordered the blood to be tested for hormonal levels. She said she would arrange for another gynaecology appointment and ultrasound. I felt better for having taken action quickly and would urge anyone with similar symptoms to get help as quickly as possible. Timing of diagnosis is critical in treating cancer.
A few weeks later I knew that I did not have ovarian cancer which was a huge relief. I was not going through menopause as the hormone levels showed that I was already post-menopausal which made the blood loss more concerning. The blood tests showed anaemia so I was prescribed a six month course of iron tablets . As a little bonus, my inflammatory markers were very high. Had I realised the significance of inflammation in the development of cancer,.I would have been far more worried. My blood pressure was high so I was prescribed medication to bring it under control. It never crossed my mind that it might be my kidney at fault nor did it seem to occur to the doctors. As I waited for the gynaecology appointment my symptoms persisted and I was becoming more tired every day.
In August my appointment came through and a lovely consultant made a very thorough womb examination discovering a polyp which she thought might be the source of the bleeding. I also had yet another cervical smear. She took a womb biopsy which I have to confess was pretty painful. I did not realise that this was in the baby league of pain but that was a future discovery.She referred me for another ultrasound to check my womb. Around a month later the appointment came through and I reported back to a hospital which was becoming very familiar surroundings. I struck lucky that morning because one of the radiographers did not turn up and they had to call the consultant down after his rounds to help out. I sat there, bladder ready to explode as they make you drink a great deal of water to improve the imaging. I remember one poor woman becoming absolutely distraught because she had been kept waiting so long. However, it was a good way of skipping the queue to be seen. My attention was fully on willing that it would be the consultant who saw me and so it transpired.He was an excellent communicator and kept me informed of everything he could see. It turned out that apart from the polyp and the fact that my womb looked as though I was about to have a period, the womb was healthy.
It seemed to take weeks for the biopsy results to come back and when they did they were negative. So once again we had ruled out a gynaecological cancer leaving the whole field of potential diseases wide open yet again. I was temporarily so relieved that I allowed another two months to pass before I dragged myself back to the GP with ever worsening blood loss, exhaustion, random pains and a new, very disturbing chronic cough that was making me vomit almost every day.
Have you ever longed to be told that you had something wrong with you? That was the worst aspect of those long months. The cancer word was shouting out in my mind over and over again. Now I wanted answers. My life was closing in, unable to travel without a large basin on my lap, coughing so badly I could not work and my voice deepening noticeably. I longed to know what the name of this illness was. I needed to know so I could fight it. This was like fighting a dark unidentified shadow. I had to know.
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I welcome comments and questions.